The Last Oddetsey

[shadowflare]

Marisa himm'd and hawww'd over her choices. She always kept coming back to the guy with the lightning and the fish though. How did he manage to get that fish to fit in his pants? The other choices looked interesting but if he could fit a fish in his pants what else could fit?!

Her choice made, Marisa went and grabbed her key.

Hearing Eudial complain about her burning hands, Marisa pondered a moment and asked, "Hey, why don't you go buy some gloves later or something? Maybe covering your hands would help with your knife problem. And then if that doesn't work you'll have burn heal AND nice gloves."

It sounded like a good idea to her, anyway.

[steven_mcg]

"Well yes that goes without saying - I wouldn't trust ghostly spectral old me if I appeared out of the blue - which is why I quickly point out two things before I fail to answer your barrage of questions. Firstly, I'm not actually you - I'm one of those mental imprint thingies - you know - Jor-El in the Fortress of Solitude deals. Secondly, I'm actually a younger you. Yes. The Face. I know. You've been to this universe before. Twice! Fortunately for you escaping it was a whole Narnia type deal - get out and de-ages you, though apparently it may cause severe permanent damage to most of the memories between getting here and getting out. Apparently you must have thought it worth the risk, though bugger me if I know why, you didn't see fit to copy me that completely.

An old me claiming to be a past me telling me I've been here before while overtly dodging the whole "why" thing? Yep, sounds like me all right.

Anyway, according to my computers you've got the deliveries - took a bit to wrangle those to here, it should have included some special watches - they are counting down to the point where the forces outside the shield will break through and begin the chain reaction that will destroy the multiverse. Not something I'm thrilled by even if I am only a simulation.

Ahh, so you're responsible for our goody bags back in prison. That explains the exquisite taste in gifts at any rate. I must write down where you got that pocket-watch done before I leave this world and forget I was here to begin with.

I don't know what exactly is going on, but the readings suggest that thing up there has the same energy signature Doomforall's void staff. It's probably his fault somehow. On the plus side, if you save the multiverse from him, that is both a win over him and probably will net you loads of people signing fealty to you!".

Doomforall! I knew that wimpy wizard was behind this idiocy! Well, as much as I hate to admit it, you may have a point on chipping in with the rescue effort. Being a superhero isn't half as much fun as supervillainy, but if Doomy's black hole bungle ravages reality there won't be anywhere left to have that fun.

Urgh. Fine. I'll be...slightly less than tolerable.

Professor Vengeance is given a street map of the city, and the Church and the Cathedral are both circled.

Aha! Now we're getting somewhere! Now to get this whole relic nonsense sorted out!

I say, one more thing. You wouldn't have any proof for my, ah, "companions" that you're the genuine article, would you? I'm just think they'll have a hard time believing me if I burst through next door raving about how my elderly past self gave them their toys and that my pocket watch is really the clock to oblivion. Am I to assume I thought that far ahead, or will I have to play the cards close to the chest?

[alex_holt]

Marisa pulls out what appears to be a small satchel that was possibly originally made from an old pair of trousers. The item seems to be running low on power, and the very fact the fabric has survived these thousands of years is incredible. It appears to be able to produce one random item per (real world) day, although many of these items will be fish.

*******************

"Well my creator... I *could* tell everyone about the Venice Gallery incident... you know the one with the nuns, the fishnet stockings and the bactrian camel... I'm sure that would do massive good for our credibility, but if I *have* to prove myself..."

*The hologram smirks*

"On the downside, you give me more credit that I can claim. I mean that literally unfortunately. You programmed me to be incapable of lying to you, although just as capable as you at lying to anyone else. Until Doomforall vanished I was locked in his relic vaults, and it wasn't until he vanished that standards lapsed enough for me to effect an escape. Also, I can't claim any part in the items you recieved when you arrived in this world, those were all random things you accumulated from bouncing off other worlds on the way down to this one. On the plus side, a bunch of useful items from each implies that you are probably fairly awesome regardless of which dimension they are from. Although I have to say that personally you are probably better off crushing them and stealing any cool stuff they have.

I see a couple of ways forward here:

Go to Doomforall's vaults in the Cathedral, there is something there left for you, quite possibly by Doomforall himself. I don't know what it is though, and I wouldn't rule out it being some sort of trap.

The only group who definitly seem to know what's going on down here are the psy-corps, they seem to be repressing panic to keep the city moving, but when you have a brain that collects secret just by standing near them they are bound to be messed up in this.

Also, the defence seems to be being organized by the only planned arrival in centuries - a Gryphon named Anjushree, it turned up in the chambers and immediately involved itself in the defense effort, the suggestion being that we would all already be dead without it suggests it might be worth looking up.

Lastly, you might want to find out what you can about the Old Worlds Society, it's very difficult to track them down, but essentially they are a small group of survivors of the last multiverse. If nothing else knowing how to survive the end of this one is probably a good thing to know.

There may be other leads, but these are all I have right now - should I come up with anything, I can contact you through the watch.

Oh, and of course this goes without saying, but watch your back - from what I've seen so far a few members of your party would happily stab them in the back given the choice. Can I suggest making sure you remain as valuable to them as possible..."

[steven_mcg]

"Well my creator... I *could* tell everyone about the Venice Gallery incident... you know the one with the nuns, the fishnet stockings and the bactrian camel... I'm sure that would do massive good for our credibility, but if I *have* to prove myself..."

*The hologram smirks*

Oh yes, that is the me that I know and love.

...And I thought I'd agreed never to bring that up again? Not in public, anyway.

"On the downside, you give me more credit that I can claim. I mean that literally unfortunately. You programmed me to be incapable of lying to you, although just as capable as you at lying to anyone else. Until Doomforall vanished I was locked in his relic vaults, and it wasn't until he vanished that standards lapsed enough for me to effect an escape. Also, I can't claim any part in the items you recieved when you arrived in this world, those were all random things you accumulated from bouncing off other worlds on the way down to this one. On the plus side, a bunch of useful items from each implies that you are probably fairly awesome regardless of which dimension they are from. Although I have to say that personally you are probably better off crushing them and stealing any cool stuff they have.

Oh well, free stuff is free stuff. And I'm as up for crushing and nicking as you are, my past future self, but you know what they say - "You're never alone with a Lackey".

"I see a couple of ways forward here:

Go to Doomforall's vaults in the Cathedral, there is something there left for you, quite possibly by Doomforall himself. I don't know what it is though, and I wouldn't rule out it being some sort of trap.

The only group who definitly seem to know what's going on down here are the psy-corps, they seem to be repressing panic to keep the city moving, but when you have a brain that collects secret just by standing near them they are bound to be messed up in this.

Also, the defence seems to be being organized by the only planned arrival in centuries - a Gryphon named Anjushree, it turned up in the chambers and immediately involved itself in the defense effort, the suggestion being that we would all already be dead without it suggests it might be worth looking up.

Lastly, you might want to find out what you can about the Old Worlds Society, it's very difficult to track them down, but essentially they are a small group of survivors of the last multiverse. If nothing else knowing how to survive the end of this one is probably a good thing to know.

There may be other leads, but these are all I have right now - should I come up with anything, I can contact you through the watch.

Oh, and of course this goes without saying, but watch your back - from what I've seen so far a few members of your party would happily stab them in the back given the choice. Can I suggest making sure you remain as valuable to them as possible..."

Let's see. Cathedral vaults...brain police...General Gryphon...survivors of the previous multiverse. Heh. Previous multiverse. How very Adams of it all.

I don't know about that lot next door or that rotten old prophecy, but I'd sooner trust a doomsday weapon in my hands than any of the other weirdoes in this town. I'll see if I can wrangle a few of those Charlies over to West-Vengeance Abbey and loot the tombs.

And come on, me, when am I not invaluable?

[kodster]

Hearing Eudial complain about her burning hands, Marisa pondered a moment and asked, "Hey, why don't you go buy some gloves later or something? Maybe covering your hands would help with your knife problem. And then if that doesn't work you'll have burn heal AND nice gloves."

Ugh. This was the stereotypical witch. Pointed hat, broomstick, and all. Nothing at all reminiscent of the Witch group Eudial was part of... except for that hair. Which reminded her of... no, she mustn't let her mind wander over to that wench.

Eudial had intentionally avoided talking with Marisa, because of the blonde's silly demeanour, but now ignorance was not an option... especially since Marisa was trying to make a helpful suggestion. She turned her gaze onto Marisa, and chuckled darkly.

"Hmhmhm... aren't you the thoughtful one," said Eudial. "Well, while I do appreciate your concern, I think you'll find that such fashion would be a hindrance to me than a benefit. But thanks for the tip."

Turning away from Marisa and Gaunt, she took out the watch that had come from the casket, and examined it. Eudial suddenly realized that she had no idea what day, month, year it was, or even time of the hour, so this watch practically told her nothing. Great... well what good was this supposed to be?! Oh yeah... sighed Eudial, I have to ask somebody what the date is...

Raising her voice, she inquired "I'd like to know what specific date this is... if anyone knows, that is."

[alex_holt]

"Oh we both know we are the best that this party could have possibly hoped to get, but it's making sure that simple fact penerates their simple little minds. Oh and bear in mind that most of these tasks are likely to be fairly time consuming, may I suggest trying to set some of your more dependable minions on some tasks, which keeping the more volatile ones close to you. The pyromancer and the demon I suspect will mess things up if they are left to their own devices."

************

As the party leave the relic room, they find that the Cucumberoo is talking nervously to a new figure who has entered the room. It turns around to reveal itself to be an Alakazam wearing a lilac military looking uniform and some sort of glowing headband. It sneers at the party.

"I am Vortigon, 3rd Level Prefect of the Psi-Corp. I am here for the cat and the angel."

[NWOWWE]

Gaunt was only mildly disappointed he hadn't been able to close the sale, but he replaced in his pocket and said brightly:

"Yes yes, another time perhaps. And speaking of time, unfortunately I can't speak for much more than the date before we ended up here. But suppose there's no way of knowing how long of a time transpired between then and now. In any case maybe the exact date isn't important. We're on their time now."

Gaunt gestured vaguely around.

"And it doesn't appear as though we have an abundance of it left."

[majinb]

As the party leave the relic room, they find that the Cucumberoo is talking nervously to a new figure who has entered the room. It turns around to reveal itself to be an Alakazam wearing a lilac military looking uniform and some sort of glowing headband. It sneers at the party.

"I am Vortigon, 3rd Level Prefect of the Psi-Corp. I am here for the cat and the angel."

Aurelia positions herself on the massive bicycle she has just unfolded and wheels through the church towards the Alakazam. The Cucumberoo eyes her with what Aurelia thinks is disdain towards Aurelia driving her bike in a church.

"Say nothing, Cucumberoo. If this place dedicated to the worship of the villainous Professor Vengeance truly is a legitimate church, then as an angel I will well outrank you here. In the short time I have been here I have found that this church works in mysterious and sometimes outright unholy ways, but the inclusion of le grand Maurice Francois in your pantheon is one decision I support with every fiber in my body. As a herald of the Heavens I have seen le grand Maurice Francois join our ranks after he passed away in his final battle. I have seen no braver man, and to be riding his bicycle, in this church, is an honor that is only matched by the honor of drinking his wine, which I shall do shortly."

After hearing the Cucumberoo's response, which will undoubtedly be brought to life by our beloved gamemaster in the near future, turns herself towards the Alakazam that has just shown a specific interest in her and Cleo.

"Alakazam!
Some say that your brain can outperform a super-computer. Your intelligence quotient is said to be 5,000.
And that you can memorize anything. You never forget what you learn -- that's why you are so smart.
And that closing both your eyes heightens all your other senses. This enables you to use your abilities to their extremes.
And that your brain cells multiply continually until you die. As a result, you remember everything.
And that you have an IQ of 5000. You calculate many things in order to gain the edge in every battle.
And that your brain continually grows, making your head far too heavy to support with you neck. You hold your head up using your psychokinetic power instead.
And your brain continually grows, infinitely multiplying brain cells. This amazing brain gives you an astoundingly high IQ of 5,000. You have a thorough memory of everything that has occurred in the world.
And that while you have strong psychic abilities and high intelligence, your muscles are very weak. You use psychic power to move your body.
And that you do not like physical attacks very much. Instead, you freely use extra-sensory powers to defeat foes.
And that your brain can outperform a supercomputer. Your IQ (intelligence quotient) is said to be around 5,000.
And that your superb memory lets you recall everything you have experienced from birth. Your IQ exceeds 5,000.
And that your highly developed brain is on par with a supercomputer. You can use all forms of psychic abilities.
And that the spoons clutched in your hands are said to have been created by your psychic powers.
And that closing both your eyes heightens all your other senses. This enables you to use your abilities to their extremes.
And that your brain cells multiply continually until you die. As a result, you remember everything.
And that the spoons clutched in your hands are said to have been created by your psychic powers.
And that your brain cells multiply continually until you die. As a result, you remember everything.
And that your brain can outperform a supercomputer. Your IQ (intelligence quotient) is said to be around 5,000.
All I know is, you're called Vortigon.

Say what you wish to say."

(Yeah, I just used all of Alakazam's PokeDex entries, and yeah, that explains why some statements seem to appear more than once, sue Game Freak, not me.)

[alex_holt]

"Truely in any other circumstance I would disapprove of bicycles in my church, but, if this is really a bicycle of the revered Maurice Francois, most French of all Frenchman, Connoisseur or Croissants, Genius of Garlic, Exemplar of escargot, then for ever more this day shall be Francois Day in this church. Errr... that is is we live more than a year I guess...."

Meanwhile

Vortigon gives a cold look to Aurelia.

"I see you have memorised your Pokedex entries Seraphim. I am here to inform you that the Stars who gave themselves to the Void Archon to prolong our lives made a request on your half. They ask that you be introduced to the members of the Old Worlds Society. Personally, I don't feel that any of us should be attracting their attention. But you, and a maximum of two companions have been given clearance to be introduced to them, should you wish it".

Just to be clear, I am level 89 and will not permit any of you to harm our chances of survival. If you become a threat I will put you down. Permanently."

[majinb]

"What... iiiis... the Old Worlds Society? And what were those Stars?"

[alex_holt]

Vortigon rolls his eyes at you "The Stars were Stars, I just told you - anthropomorphic personifications of Stars. What do they teach you in the heavens these days"

*He sighs*

"The Old World Society is a Club in the Centre of the City, where the last survivors of the last multiverse meet. There aren't very many of them now, and they keep themselves to themselves for the most part. They are old, powerful and dangerous, and if it wasn't for the Stars apparently seeing some tiny hint of merit in you, we would not be having this conversation."

He sneers at you.

[majinb]

"Do you fancy some a capella singing Vortigon?"

[NFX]

While others were busy chattering about the signal on their wristwatches, or going against what he now - wearing the unusual helmet - deemed all good and decent protocol and riding a bicycle indoors, or......whatever Vengy was doing...Twitch was still at his casket, clawing fruitlessly at the small amount of currency within. This was getting nowhere, so he left his magnet in the casket, along with the currency, and flew over towards the Cucumberoo.

"Excuse me," he asked, "Do you have a bag that I can borrow?"

[alex_holt]

The Cucumberoo hands Twitch a small bag of holding, which is a small parrot suitable which only weighs as much as the heaviest item inside it.

*******************

ELSEWHERE

Spod peruses the shop, but before he can even think of making a trade Sprondinkle turns his weird robotic body towards him and addresses him.

"I am afraidddddd good rockmonster that we are now passttt closing time... we have to move on, yes, move on, too late to leave... too late indeed.. the end is too close to tarry."

The strange being begins to manically push buttons and pull levers that Spod hadn't even previously spotted around the room, hidden in odd places around the junkshop. Wind a crank on a fisher price toy. Pull a lever out a bedside light made of crystalised souls, chub the cheeks of a stuffed honey badger. Suddenly the whole room is filled with light...................................

*************************

The thugs outside cover their eyes as the shop de materialises in a flash of brilliant lights that cross the entire spectrum. There is now an empty building in a spot where moments before stood a shop. This is reasonably strange even for Melded, but as their target has now vanished from the face of the multiverse and headed off into parts unknown, they decide to go watch some TOWIE to full-fill their crime needs for the night.

[steven_mcg]

"Oh we both know we are the best that this party could have possibly hoped to get, but it's making sure that simple fact penerates their simple little minds. Oh and bear in mind that most of these tasks are likely to be fairly time consuming, may I suggest trying to set some of your more dependable minions on some tasks, which keeping the more volatile ones close to you. The pyromancer and the demon I suspect will mess things up if they are left to their own devices."

Mmyes, they do seem the most potentially troublesome. I could swear one of them was a bloody angel too. Think I got off her good side a long time ago. I think I've wheedled into their 'tolerable' books by now, but I doubt it'll stay there for long. Bringing them back a weapon of mass destruction for our united arsenal ought to do the trick! Better than kicking about this dusty dump waiting for the Rapture at any rate.

Future Past Young Whatever Me, signing off!

(God, I look good.)

[storms triumphantly outside to join the rest of the party]

Ladies and gentlemen, I have had an epiphany. Not only have I been gifted this spiffy little polymorphic alloy, but I've learned some more about that ridiculous prophecy. There is an ancient relic of great power hidden in the cathedral on the other side of town and it is my intention to bring it back for our little aid mission for reality. I have no idea if it's a trap or not and doubtless I'll need you all alive for more dangerous fare later, so I'd better toddle off myself.

I know, I know. "Like we're really going to let the self-proclaimed supervillain we blatantly do not trust run away after some weapon of mass destruction". Perhaps a little team-building exercise is in order...

...

Oh, damn it! What the hell!

[thrusts his top hat into Eudial's hands]

Guard that thing with your very lives until I get back. I'll modify my little robot friend to keep track of your positions so I can catch up.

I mean it now! Not one little rip, understand? Your very lives. Hmph!

[creates a half-melted stovepipe hat from the Thoughtmetal and starts sauntering away]