Wars Incarnate II: The Weird Effect

[alex_holt]

Wars Incarnate II: The Weird Effect

Incidentally if you are religious in any way don€™t bother reading the bible fight, furthermore, don€™t complain to me if you do and don€™t like it. Its said a lot nastier than my own opinions on the matter€¦. It€™s the teapot honest€¦.

Mr Flibble vs. Prof. Vengeance

Prof Vengeance cracks his cane agaist the floor with a sharp tap, and swishes his cape dramatically, where as Mr Flibble looks kind of confused about the whole thing. A blast of emerald fire hits near Mr Flibble€™s feet, making him leap into the air with excitement. However at that precise second, for no apparent reason Mr Flibble is hit by a random meteorite, knocking him out cold, this is mildly disconcerting as there is no reason for there to be such a meteorite in this text. Especially odd is when it gets up and starts doing an embarrassing line dance. The fight ends before the space rock humiliates itself anymore.

Prof. Vengeance Advances to Round 3!

Ringwraith vs. Wedginator Revolution

Born of an ancient evil the Ringwraith senses its eternal quarry, it rides its demonic steed at the robot, in a blaze of winged glory and thrusts its blade deep into the innards of its foe€¦ in there is what it seeks€¦. It pulls out a washer, caught in its skeletal grasp and rubs it all over itself€¦.the ring is its own at last, he grasps it and thru€¦..

THE REST OF THIS FIGHT IS CONSIDERED TOO MATURE AND DOWNRIGHT WEIRD FOR PEOPLE UNDER THE AGE OF 3000.

Suffice to say Ringwraith won and goes through to round 3!

Basket Ball vs. 100% Artificial Insecure Hypocritical guarantee

The guarantee isn€™t worth the paper it€™s printed on, and this round it appears to be printed on a jaffacake, making that metaphor true, yet void€¦ Anyways, the guarantee switches, the ball is now guaranteed€¦ to explode. For some unknown reason its used in the NBA and goes through to the final, the world€™s number one team is about to score€¦ the tall man runs€¦ his legs pumping€¦sweat dripping off him as he charges intently towards the hoop, his top flapping wildly as the ball pounds repeatedly against the floor, he sidesteps and twists around an opposing player, the net is so close he can feel it in the air€¦ the ball is picked up, gliding through the air€¦ spinning gently, the world slows to a stand still€¦ it hits the back board, bounces€¦ and€¦€¦€¦€¦€¦€¦€¦€¦€¦₠¬Â¦â‚¬Â¦â‚¬Â¦..drifts lightly through the air€¦and€¦€¦ suddenly metamorphoses into a irritable hungry komodo dragon. The great lizard snaps the bar, and hits the floor with a heavy thud. Its not in the best of moods€¦ the creature charges the players down, bites a few, giving them gangrenous wounds from which they will never fully recover, and eats a few minor celebrities watching from courtside, and in doing so made the world, albeit in a small way, a better place. However it€™s not to last, used to alligators in America after a while the pest control turn up, and in typical American fashion blast the poor animal apart with a shotgun.

100% Artificial Insecure Hypocritical guarantee advances to Round 3!

The Holy Bible vs. teapot

The vast might of god channelled and demonstrated through one book. However the teapot has one thing up its spout.
The teapot states that god cannot theoretically exist, if he was to as he is supposedly perfect then he would be unable to create imperfection, and as such, humanity, the devil and lots of other nasty stuff wouldn€™t exist.
The bible argues back that he is perfect he can create anything he wanted, and as such he would therefore be beyond sin.
However, if this was the case how can a being beyond good and evil comprehend what they are, and in which case how could he aptly judge whether someone is good or evil. Furthermore the only way he could know, as good and evil are purely opinion based would be to look into the general consensus of reality. Unfortunatly this would mean he was not all powerful, or, for that matter that much use at all, as this would result in a puppet god who claims to have created everything. Furthermore he would have known that sin would exist as he is all powerful, yet he couldn€™t stop it. Surely he would know what would happen all along so what was the point in this entire exercise. Besides, an act of god is the lamest possible excuse for anything, god loves you€¦ so he kills you, however, if he loves anyone then no one would go to hell no matter how sinful they are, in which case he would be lying and ergo not perfect. Additionally religion is just a lame construct for those off too little moral fibre and inner strength of will to be able to admit the fact that they are completely irrelevant, and in the grand scheme of things their existence will not actually matter in anyway.
This sends the bible into deep depression, it eventually gets left in a road and sunk through with rain water, and the pages stick together, then it gets used for toilet paper by a tramp, who by shear co-incidence was the new coming of Christ, however here was a mix up as to his father and he ended up for adoption. There probably was some relevance for this whole thing, but maybe someone just wanted an excuse to moan at religion.

The Teapot advances to Round 3!

Miles €˜Tails€™ Prower vs. Homer Simpson

Homer Simpson charges at his opponent€¦ Tails is carrying a large number of rings on him€™€¦.mmmm€¦.onion rings€¦..donut rings€¦ €¦. Arwwwwww€™ covers approximately his line of thought€¦. Tails lifts off, but Homer grabs onto his egs€¦.€™give me rings!€™ be bellows, Homer grabs the shiny golden rigns and sticks them into his mouth, pulling more and more out of the stricken fox, until eventually the little mammal collapsed in exhaustion, smacking the floor Homer survives due to amazing regenerative abilities, however poor tails is crushed beneath his large girth€¦

Homer Simpson Advances to Round 3!

Velociraptor vs. Intense Humming of Evil

The humming grows louder€¦louder.. its eerie screech sliding its dark tendrils into the soul€¦ horrible it drains the life from the Velociraptor, whose laws click against the floor in a vain attempt to catch on. Suddenly a man approached them both, they sound really good together, and are hired to do the backing for a soul band. Both are perplexed. Anyways to cut long story short the raptor works its way out of backing into the lead and eventually gets a successful career, however the humming sells out, and leaunches cheesy singles. It is then destroyed for crimes against the multiverse€¦ it collaborated with crazy frog.

Velociraptor advances to Round 3!

Jaina Solo vs. Sticky Popcorn Cinema Floor.

The jedi unsheathes her lightsaber, her force senses out around her, soemthign below her is disturbing the frce greatly, she trips to jump free but her feet are stuck and she trips forward and lands on her face, that too sticking to the ground. Dungeons and dragons the movie is playing on the screen and the films awfulness bores into her brain, she slams the force against the floor freeing her, and uses it to balance on a seat away from the floor. She pulls the projector out of place and it smashes on the floor, getting rid of one opponent, and then she uses her telepath to contact a local cleaning firm who remove the carpet and put a new one in, and thereby advancing her to Round 3!

Jaina Solo advances to Round 3!

Golden Monkey vs. Shiva

The golden monkey is the object of a quest again, he€™s sitting drinking a milkshake almost as big as he is, holding it in his paws, when suddeny the three eyed god of Indian myth appears. The monkey looks pissed off as his banana milkshake is now all over the floor. He summons the great might of his ancestors€¦ and flees as fast as his legs can carry him. Shiva follows, however gets distracted by a specsavers, who gives him laser surgery €˜for that sore looking third eye€™ he glimpses the monkey and tries to incinerate him with the eye, but realises that the eye doesn€™t do that anymore and goes home to sulk.

The Golden Monkey Advances to Round 3!

So, apologizing for the delay€¦.

Round 3:

Pussycat vs. Dr Octopus
Mug of Coffee vs. Ruff Ruff Dougal
Gothmog, Lord of the Balrogs vs. Mara Jade Skywalker
Pikachu vs. Dick Dastardly and Muttly
Wootinator vs. A Random Dalek
Samus Arran vs. A Duck
White Swan vs. A Mars Bar
Hippopotamus vs. Dr Ivo Robotnik
Thomas the Tank engine vs. Bouncy Castle
Prof. Vengeance vs. Ringwraith
100% Artificial Insecure Hypocritical guarantee vs. teapot
Homer Simpson vs. a Velociraptor
Jaina Solo vs. Golden Monkey

[velociraptor]

Wars Incarnate II: The Weird Effect

Hopefully Doc Ocks shades will protect him against any attacks on his eyes, and he can use his tentacles to rip up Pussycat.

Not much Ringwraith can do against the Prof except try to parry his attacks and stab him.

Velociraptor will slash off Homer Simpsons remaining hair, and as he cries in horror, the raptor will slice off his limbs (he has no brain to attack, and those layers of fat will probably protect his torso).

[steven_mcg]

Wars Incarnate II: The Weird Effect

THE WARS INCARNATE 2
ROUND 3
1) DICK DASTARDLY & MUTTLEY VS Pikachu
Dickll switch his gloves with rubber ones and simply pick Pikachu up. He therefore cant use his shock attacks and the small fry cant do anything once off the ground. Either throw him to the House Fighters or keep holding him in mid-air and feed him to Muttley.

2) A RANDOM DALEK VS The Wootinator
Blast his coffee cup with the Exterminator arm. Without his caffine, hell be left defenceless and ripe for a zapping. Failing that, just keep flying above him and frazzle with laser til dead.

3) A hippopotomous VS DR IVO ROBOTNIK
Ivos used to fighting and enslaving animals. Its his job. If able, use a portable Roboticiser on the beast and turn it into another mechanical worker for his army. Either that or simply scare it off with his egg breath.

4) A bouncy castle VS THOMAS THE TANK ENGINE
...erm...run over it, therefore letting out all the air inside it?

5) Ringwraith VS PROFESSOR VENGEANCE
Mordor magic is no match for my nicked Chaos Emerald. The only way to beat drama is with its reverse - humour; so set the cane to Tickle Ray, zap him and watch the big creep laugh himself into submission. Failing that, tell him where Frodo is, making him run after him and forfeit the match. :wink:

Superb randomness as ever, Alexio! Good to see youve not given up just yet.

[darkguru]

Wars Incarnate II: The Weird Effect

Mara Jade vs Gothmog...might be time to use her beckon call and call in her ship...failing that, a bit of telekinesis and a lightsabor make interesting ideas possible.

As for Jaina and the golden monkey, if he brings his ancestors, now might be a good time to harness tempting the powers of the darkside...not many mammels could survive a blast of force lightning. One on one, she should be able to beat it before it gouges her damn eyes out.

[alex_holt]

Wars Incarnate II: The Weird Effect

And forward we march into round 3! I may have lost my slowness of tourny record but I attempt to regain it slowly, but surely, so behold ye of little faith.

Pussycat vs. Dr Octopus

The cat is feeling a bit laid back, so it opts for a more indifferent approach to the tournament, besides everyone knows cats hate water, and guess where octopus€™s live, he has to play it cool€¦
Dr Octopus wanders round the streets of Manhattan, wreaking destruction upon the weak, and so forth, he€™s off his rocker this guy, but nether the less he needs to find his opponent, and if possible, solve world power shortages in the process. He€™s the villain that just can€™t stop giving€¦ Anyways, he suddenly catches his claw on something€¦it appears to be made of chain mail€¦it€™s a bag. With his massively powerful arms he opens the bag€¦
The cat is out the bag and raking at Octopus€™s face with his claws, the villains is waving his arms but seems unable to see where he€™s hitting and ends up winding himself, the devil cat then tears the metal arms apart as if they were nothing and generally obliterates the entire structure, leaving just a rather chubby looking man€¦who subsequently gets dismembered unpleasantly, with one of his metal arms rammed up his posterior. The audience wince.

Pussycat goes through to Round 4!


Mug of Coffee vs. Ruff Ruff Dougal

The beverage is preparing an awesome end to this fight, it sits there biding its time, waiting to unleash a fury like no other upon its foe. It waits, and waits€¦ the cotton-clad anti-hero trundles forward likewise, ready to destroy the mug. The tension moutns to breaking point and then, with devastating accuracy, the mug splashes a few drops of coffee onto Ruff Ruff Dougal. This, despite being the most powerful attack the mug can muster is in fact, completely useless and pointless. It tries again, and the brown fluid is soaed up by the cotton. Realising this is perhaps the most easy possible fight he could have faced the small robotic dog just leaves it alone and goes of to see if he can find some hot aibo to play fetch with. The coffee goes cold, and then eventually curdles and is washed down the sink a few days later

Ruff Ruff Dougal goes through to Round 4!


Gothmog, Lord of the Balrogs vs. Mara Jade Skywalker

There is a start contrast in adversaries here, one is a giant demon from the darkest places of middle earth. The other is a human jedi€¦ the final contest between science fiction and fantasy can only be settled in one way - in a rather warped battle!
Tosave geeks everywhere from further argueing the point they are both permitted to use anything within their genre and so battle commences€¦
Gothmog rides in on a vast flaming unicorn, no one knows where he got such a thing from and according to the judges he can€™t just mak thigns up, so the unicorn disapparates and the fell lord hits his face off the ground hard. Not a good start. This isn€™t aided by the fact that Mara Jade seems to have somehow got hold of a selection of all the space ships she could handle, and above the dark creature Deep Space 9, Enterprise, the Death Star, A squadron of X-wings, Moya, Talyn, Babylon 5, a squadron of Romulan War Birds, A borg Cube and what could possibly be a Scarren Dreadnaught loom over the sky intermingled with a slection of other ships that no-one except extreme geeks could conceivably recognise. Gothmog waves his hand and several thousand black dragons leap into the sky, followed by griffons, wyverns, phoenix€™s, rocs, giant eagles and a selection of other various beasties. The resulting battle is rather spectacular - dragons tear down fighters and fighters tears down dragons and the giant windscreen wipers on the death stars windows have to work overtime wiping various Pegasus off the windows.
Mara Jade suddenly does a commando roll through a stragate that has materialised behind and lances out her lightsaber, however the vast flaming sword of the Balrog parries it and the two enter combat. Every single creature conceivable on either side is summoned and slain€¦wookies fight skeletons, Klingons battle dwarfs (at least for a while, until they settle it in a good hearted drinking contest) and Yoda fights Gandalf. They they hit upon an idea€¦they both simultaneously call upon€¦the Scarlet Witch€¦both magical and science fiction, she can change the universe, and because she is on the side of both, the just decides to send a wave of decimation across the battle field, and both sides lay on the floor and die€¦ What the Balrog didn€™t realise was that Mara Jade had just used the seven-days project to go back in time and replace herself with a clone. Mara Jade was infact sitting slurping martini in the audience, and therefore she beams as she advances to the next round.


Mara Jade goes through to Round 4!


Pikachu vs. Dick Dastardly and Muttly

The robot blasts a brilliant arc of lightening into Dastardly, but the characters powers extend to complete invulnerability, if not immunity to pain€¦he is completely blackened, and his special anti-pikachu gun disintegrates into a pile of ash. Muttly realises that with Dastardly at his side he will never get anywhere, and so proposes a team up with pikachu. Flying dog and electric rodent take to the skies, and rain down thunder upon Dick Dastardly, zapping at his feet until he runs off a cliff€¦

Pikachu and Muttly goes through to Round 4!

Still to come in Round 3!

Wootinator vs. A Random Dalek
Samus Arran vs. A Duck
White Swan vs. A Mars Bar
Hippopotamus vs. Dr Ivo Robotnik
Thomas the Tank engine vs. Bouncy Castle
Prof. Vengeance vs. Ringwraith
100% Artificial Insecure Hypocritical guarantee vs. teapot
Homer Simpson vs. a Velociraptor
Jaina Solo vs. Golden Monkey

[alex_holt]

Wars Incarnate II: The Weird Effect

Oh yee of little faith, behold....for here he have one an a half rounds of bone splinterign goodness....

Wootinator vs. A Random Dalek

Surrounded in a misty brown Halo, the dreaded Wootinator draws power from the caffeine that laces his blood like a dark magic. The Dael, cries shrilly as it rolls gradually towards it foe, however, with a single powerful blast it rips off the otuer shell of the thing, leaving it a disgusting look of devolved Blob. The coffee lances out again, tearing into it, however this only succeeds in making the Dalek unable to sleep, however, so much has been contained that the Dalek finds itself unable to rest, and after a few months its metabolism crashes, casuing the Dalek to explode in a shower of green goop.

Wootinator goes through to Round 4!


Samus Arran vs. A Duck

A strange electrical storm rages overhead, and then, with an incredibly clichd bolt of lightening the world goes black€¦Samus finds herself inside a game€¦but nt one she is familiar with, she€™s found herself in a perculiar inverted version of duck hunt! Unfortunatly for her she is in a giant duck costume and has neither the novelty of 3 dimesnions, or, unlike the duck would in her situation, flying, this makes her, quite literally, a sitting duck, for the small water dwelling avian who scoops its place in the next round with a blast of an all powerful shotgun.

Duck goes through to Round 4!


White Swan vs. A Mars Bar

The Force empowered swan flexes its wings, it has dyed its feathers Black, no one takes you seriously as an evil villain if you are white. It€™s terrifying screeches resonate through the heart of the Mars Corporation lawyers, however they have realised that infact the swan isn€™t recognised or licensed to Lucas arts in any way, and therefore shouldn€™t be wielding €˜The Force€™ or a €˜Lightsaber€™. Stripped of it€™s not-actually-sith powers the swan goes in and dives in at several, resulting in some broken arms amoung the lawyers before the swan is hauled away by court security, going to prison.

Mars Bar goes through to Round 4!


Hippopotamus vs. Dr Ivo Robotnik

The hefty pachyderm charges forward with the intent of mauing the former Nobel-prize winner, however with his trademark Hippobotomus he halts it, they charge towards it and then€¦do things which aren€™t usually included in wholesome family entertainment. The Doctor is quite thankful that the wars Incarnate could never be considered wholesome, but anyway, there€™s no need to go into the details. A year later we have two happy parent hippos and and an endless horde of deadly cyborg hippos, now at the doctors command, he readies himself for the final round of concentration in battle as the Imperial March plays in the Backgrond€¦

Ivo Robotnik goes through to Round 4!


Thomas the Tank engine vs. Bouncy Castle

There seems to be no contest here, a single gesture reigns down meoterites in an unending fury from the heavens, each richochets off the castle, hitting the surroundings with devastating effect. Unlike its stone counterpart the bouncy castle doesn€™t fare so well and is torn to shreds in the hell-sent maelstrom.

Thomas goes through to Round 4!


Prof. Vengeance vs. Ringwraith

Summoning up throbbing green energy into his hands he hurls a maelstrom towards his undead foe, but the wraith whirls its word in a high arc, deflecting it into darkness. The Professor€™s eyes gleam green, as chaos emerald energy throbs into a vast thick suit of gleaming green armour, his cane glows gentle, and the tow run at each other, hard steel sparks flying from the clash of weapons, but with one hand the Professor beats back his foe and then launches a flurry of small fire balls into the dry rags of his foe, bursting the dark sorceror into infernal flames. Even as the wraith tries to rush at his foe a small gesture from the professor seems to draw the remnants of the soul of the dark beast into himself, and his armour glows more brightly still€¦ The Professor is also readying himself as the final confrontations loom like a black tide upon the shore€¦

Prof. goes through to Round 4!


100% Artificial Insecure Hypocritical guarantee vs. teapot

The contracts of the guarantee doesn€™t actually cover costs of filming, and anything that can go wrong will go wrong, meaning that the teapot starts leaking ll over the carpet, this in turn isn€™t properly covered by the insurance, as I€˜m financing this entire tournament I pull the plug before the costs mount too high, s the teapot is disqualified.

100% Artificial Insecure Hypocritical Guarantee goes through to Round 4!


Homer Simpson vs. a Velociraptor
Having seen Jurassic park Homer has a brilliant idea for defeating this - all he needs is a kitchen and a T-Rex. He lures it into the kitchen subtly, however when the T-rex doesn€™t show he gets worried, so he runs down to Moes to escape, the raptor follows him and burst through the door before eating Moe himself€¦ Unfortunatly Moe is considerably less than hygienic, and therefore to the bookies annoyance Homer goes through when the raptor collapses due to food poisoning.

Homer goes through to Round 4!


Jaina Solo vs. Golden Monkey

Once again an intrepid explorer goes off to search for the dimmable ape, however, much to everyones dismay the monkey usesthe time to play the stockmarket, become a billionaire and hire the Universes ten most evil supervillains to attack simultaneously - Jaina doesn€™t stand a chance as she is torn apart by Barney the dinosaur€¦.

Golden Monkey goes through to Round 4!

ROUND 4

Now thirteen remain, but we need eight€¦so the next two rounds see some extra nastiness€¦this first one is against some of my favourite characters from various places, picked specifically to splat each puny entrant, you will likely recognise many, but not all, so I€™ll explain. The three that last the shortest amount of time will be eliminated.




Pussycat vs. A sandworm
Ruff Ruff Dougal vs. Nightcrawler
Mara Jade vs. Obi Wan Kenobi
Pikachu vs. Dorfl
Wootinator vs. Roland the Gunslinger
Duck vs. Articuno
Mars Bar vs. The Bride
Ivo Robotnik vs. The Silver Surfer
Thomas the Tank Engine vs. John Constantine
Prof. Vengeance vs. Aditu
100% Artificial Insecure Hypocritical guarantee vs. Odysseus
Homer Simpson vs. Iorek Byrinson
Golden Monkey vs. Walker Boh


Pussycat vs. A sandworm
Sandworms are the ginat sand dwelling worms from the Dune series, they are big enough to swallow entire ships and buildings whole. They are perhaps among the most dangerous organisms in the universe, although they can be killed - just not easily.

The cat runs screeching at the creature with several thousand teeth the the length of the cat - not pretty. The cat launches itself in a flurry of clawsslashing a deep would down the throat of the creature before being absorbed into is vast depths as the worms drops back down into the desert.

Time: 5.62 seconds

Ruff Ruff Dougal vs. Nightcrawler
Nightcrawler is a member of the X-men, a group o mutant super-heroes dedicated to the mutant cause and understanding between humans and mutants. His ability is teleporting with a distinctive €˜BAMF€™ sound, and is an expert swordsman.

In a single instant a bluish purple haze billows from where nightrawler was just an instant before, and a sim9lar one reveals he form upon the robotic dog€™s back - a rapier plunges through the cotton back of dougal, piercing his batteries and then another €˜Bamf€™ dissipates above the robot as it detonates in a shower or comical shrapnel.

Time: 0.89 seconds


Mara Jade vs. Obi Wan Kenobi
The hugely powerful Jedi master, only one of a few to survive the great purge, and the person who got Vadar crippled. He is a master of the mind trick, and he is as subtle as he is powerful.

The first Jedi ever seen on screen moves slowly, his power is huge, and, with a single wave of his hands, he utters the immortal words €˜Take me to Alderan€™. Mara Jade tries to comply but she cannot find a way of doing so using primitive earth technology until she dies of hysteria two weeks later.

Time: 2 weeks, 1 day, 7 hours, 45 mins, 39.02 seconds


Pikachu vs. Dorfl
Dorfl, the golem from discworld is the only golem ever to be able to speak, and think for itself, it is completely immune to thunder (useful trait for an atheist on the discworld) and is strong enough to tear a troll in half.

The following battle will be recounted in audio form as the cameras weren€™t quite working.
€˜Pikachu!€™
€˜Piiii€¦..€™
€˜Crunch€™
Lets say that there was a big yellow smear on the floor for a while afterwards€¦

Time: 3.65 seconds

Wootinator vs. Roland the Gunslinger
Roland is from Stephen King€™s dark tower series, he is a formidable opponent,his pair of revolvers vey quick to the draw, in each hand, and each could rupture any part of someone they wanted. Not someone to mess with.

With his gunslingers reflexes Roland blasts two bullets into the Wootinators canisters of coffee, sending a high pressure jet of scalding coffee into his eyes - before he has time to shield himself the third shot comes through his forehead, spreading it over quite a large area.

Time: 4.59 seconds

Duck vs. Articuno
Articuno is the legendary bird of ice, hugely powerful, and fast, and deadly. It is one of the most powerful of the little monsters in existence.

Suddenly a frigid blast of ice freezes the pond around the ducks little legs, preventing it from moving, a hail or well€¦hail€¦ bombards the ducks shreddinbg into it tearing it apart as it quacks with rage€¦

Time: 9.81 seconds


Mars Bar vs. The Bride
The Bride: samurai sword wielding heroine of Kill Bill, wears the famous yellow jump suit. And is very handy with a katana.

It takes a very short amount of time for the Bride to sever her way through the other lesser lawyers. However The head lawyers swings his briefcase and blocks the sword, an epic if perculiar battle ensues, which eventually results in the lawyer being beaten to a pulp with his own armoured briefcase.

Time: 46mins, 59.76 seconds

Ivo Robotnik vs. The Silver Surfer
Prehaps the most powerful marvel superhero, he possesses near limitless strength due to the power cosmic, and furthermore travels near the speed of light in his fantastic surfboard.

The silver clad heroes hand glows a dark red as the power cosmic flows through it, and then, in a single devasting beam annihilates Robotnics entire complex, vanquishing the man very quickly indeed.

Time: 8.01 seconds

Thomas the Tank Engine vs. John Constantine
The tatty looking Englishman from the Hellblazer comics, or alternativly Keanu Reeves, depending on your view, he has a penchant for smoking and demon fighting.

Thomas roars an inferno into existence but Constantine block it with a holy charm, preventing it from harming him, then a single bottle coated in holywater arcs from his hand onto thomas€™s Face€¦blinding him, and taking the anti-crist spirit from him, then before he recovered Constantine fills his boiler with more holy water, preventing the beast from ever returning. Although this look a while it may put Thomas out of his depth from here on in€¦

Time: 1min, 46.23 seconds

Prof. Vengeance vs. Aditu
A sithi from the Memory, Sorrow and Thorn series by tad Williams, essentially a highly playful elf. Master of the bow, and a powerful scryer as ost of her race. Vulnerable to Iron.

The fight has barely begun before an arrow impacts through the porffesors cape, pinning him to a wall, unable to avoid theflurry of arrows that come. The magical armour just preserves him for a while€¦

Time: 23.45 seconds


100% Artificial Insecure Hypocritical guarantee vs. Odysseus
Odysseus, the cunning Greek commander of the Trojan war, and of the Oddesey, he possesses cunnng beyond hat of other men.

Just as his armour is about to give in Odyseus points that the guaranteee does not focus due ot clause 78.6 of its own statement. Therefore in this circumstance the guarantee does not actually exist per say.

In a blink of logic it hops out of existence.

Time: 2.67

Homer Simpson vs. Iorek Byrinson
Iorek Byrinson, the armoured bear from his dark materials, itnellignet, strong and covered in armour! What more could you wants.

Homer is mauled severely bfore he can complete the word €˜Doh€™ and has to go into hospital until the next episode, therefore not actually dying.
Time: 1.87seconds

Golden Monkey vs. Walker Boh
Walker Boh, a druid from the Shannara series wields the druids fire along with various whiles. A powerful force during his lifetime€¦

The golden monkey is lanced with green druid fire and runs away burning, but doesn€™t get a chance to save itself properly.

Time: 12.45 seconds

Homer Simpson, 100% Artificial Insecure Hypocritical Guarantee and Ruff Ruff Dougal are Eliminated!

Mara Jade: 2 weeks, 1 day, 7 hours, 45 mins, 39.02 seconds
Mars Bar:46mins, 59.76 seconds
Thomas the Tank Engine: 1min, 46.23 seconds
Proffesor Vengeance: 23.45 seconds
Golden Monkey: 12.45 seconds
Duck: 9.81 seconds
Ivo Robotnik: 8.01 seconds
Cat: 5.62 seconds
Wootinator :4.59 seconds
Pikachu: 3.65 seconds
Guarantee: 2.67 seconds
Homer Simpson: 1.87 seconds
Ruff Ruff Dougal: 0.89 seconds

ROUND 5

Now our merry band of survivors advance on to round 5, with some of the most dastardly nastiness imaginable: they will be paired off with existing characters of mine (and Kate€™s) own creation (or modification), and literally torn apart, the two that last the least amount of time go crashing from the tournament to leave our semi finallists. Have fun!

Pussycat vs. Sigmarian
Mara Jade vs. Sally the Battle hour Champion
Pikachu vs. George
Wootinator vs. Carlos and Miguel
Duck vs. The Squirrels
Mars Bar vs. The Party Animal
Ivo Robotnik vs. Oaky Doak
Thomas the Tank Engine vs. The Tummy Bear
Prof. Vengeance vs. Lord Doomforall
Golden Monkey vs. Razor-hawk

[dogbot4000]

Wars Incarnate II: The Weird Effect

thats good.

[andrewj]

Wars Incarnate II: The Weird Effect

Prof. Vengeance vs. Lord Doomforall

Woot!

[pcbore]

Wars Incarnate II: The Weird Effect

Alex, you cant have read Going Postal, as Dorfl is no longer the only speaking Golem

[alex_holt]

Wars Incarnate II: The Weird Effect

I have but couldnt remember if they just still had slates or not..

[darkguru]

Wars Incarnate II: The Weird Effect

Any sort of stats for Sally?

Good fights, woot for Mara lasting the longest

(Message edited by darkguru on January 05, 2006)

[darkguru]

Wars Incarnate II: The Weird Effect

Ah, as its a matter of outlasting all the others, whatever the stats, survival is the key, Mara shall use her force ppower to hold a shield as long as she is able, and then she will use her lightsabre to defend herself for however many other precious days/hours/minutes/seconds she can hold out.

[alex_holt]

Wars Incarnate II: The Weird Effect

As Im so nice, and you probably wouldnt get it otherwise Ill give you some details of each of these foes before hand, which also saves me having to write it up again with the fights:


Sigmarian
A vast grey dragon, the largest dragon ever infact, 800m long with a wing span twice that, breathes a powerful blue fire and is capable of great feats of magic.

Sally the Battle hour Champion
The epitamny of fighting prowess, she has honed her body through the power of dance to the ultimate fighting machine, she can deflect any bullet with a stylish and serene movement and catch a blade in her unarmoured hand without harm. She spened most of her day, while not dancing, fighting a thirty armed robot designed to keep her occupied and not go off killing everyone.

George
George is a freak, an outcast of society, and for good reason: while on the surface he appears to be a huge spotty, ape like rugby player, in actually fact me is a dark creature made from living excrement, with the power to regenerate lost limbs, and infect other people with his horrific curse. He also has a mother: lets say her name is a pun upon Mother Ship and leave it at that.

Carlos and Miguel
The living epitamies (in their own eyes at least) of manliness their incredibly muscled and oiled torsos give impression that they are more than a little gay, as does their tendency to say things along the lines of Hahaha your torso is looking stunning today Miguel, would you like some oil rubbed into it Why thankyou Carlos, as does yours, and I will rub some in for you too - despite this they arent actually homosexual - they just relish the challenge to perefect their bodies and appreciate everythign each other say.

The Squirrels
The squirrels fight their eternal War against the ducks, for reasons never explained, their enitre species dedicated to the extintion of the water-fowl menace. They wear armour constructed from nuts and arent actually dangerous other in that there are millions of them.

The Party Animal
A small animal: like a cross between a bear, a wolverine and a badger, it dwells in parties, and is decidedly grumpy. It has long claws which it uses for burrowing and attacks people who try to steal its food.

Oaky Doak
Dark Lord of the Woods, he possesses churches and channels all the worship from them into himself. He controlls creatures of the forest under an iron fist and commands sniper-owls, the dwarf resistance movement and all others who dwell in Geddington Chase (the woods). He himself has a penchant for slaying the firstborn, and then flaying the secondborn.

In a change to advertised foe:
Popcorn Dragons
Theyre 3 inches high, dipedal green dragons, they are invisible to most peopel and practically indestructing: they eat maple syrup and where normal dragons fire a jet of fire, they fire out popcorn at scalding temperatures and ludicrous speeds. There are millions of them, and they wage an eternal war against the Webmaster and his Powerpoint sword.

Lord Doomforall
Needs little to no introduction, is more of less all powerful and channels the power of the rift to devastatign effect. In terms of power, think approximatly enough to hold a universe from collapsing in upon itself through force of will and your not quite there. Can travel through dimensions by himself, can move faster than the speed of light, survive effortlessly in a vaccuum and is more of less untouchable. Furthermore, weilds the rift staff, which can cut through as much or little as he wishes it too.

Razor-hawk
Start of with a female version of wolverine, now change it, so that instead of claws from the hands, thousands of spines extrude from her long arms and them unfold into razor edged feathers. Then add super human strength, dexterity and speed combiend with wolverines healings and your pretty much there. Oh and the feathers permit flight...

[steven_mcg]

Wars Incarnate II: The Weird Effect

You would be a psychoanalysts dream come true, Mr Holt.

DR ROBOTNIK: Time to don the Angel Island Fireball Cannons and see if I can start the worlds biggest forest fire
THOMAS THE TANK ENGINE: Since Thomas has been made out as Satan in disguise, unnaturally hot temperatures are no problem for him. Let him catch all the popcorn in his mouth, then fire it back right at them! :wink:
PROFESSOR VENGEANCE: Trust me to be drawn against God. This round is really about beating the clock and I know I wont have a chance against Alex (Magical villains. Urgh.), so my main plan is to fire up the Dimension Hopper and keep dashing between universes for as long as I can before he catches up with me

Cracking job as ever, mlord.

[steven_mcg]

Wars Incarnate II: The Weird Effect

Revised tactics for Thomas (forgot Johnny Constantine exorcised him. Git. )

As a steam engine, Thomas is used to having extraordinary amounts of heat inside him, plus hes a massive chunk of living wrought iron, so the scalding popcorn will have little effect. The plan is to just try and either run them over, lure them into the firebox and roast them or call upon the other Sodor vehicles to gang up on them.