ATTTWI 2 - Resurrection

[steven_mcg]

ATTTWI 2 - Resurrection

ROUND 1
Hell VS PROFESSOR VENGEANCE

Well, what else IS there to do?

Team up and take over the tournament. :wink:

If Hell declines the offer, get on the cosmic telephone with God and dish the dirt on Hell.

(Message edited by Steven_McG on October 02, 200

[alex_holt]

ATTTWI 2 - Resurrection

Well... Im honestly stuck... I mean... I have so many choices... its like being in some kind of battle-based buffet...

I think Ill go along with elaborate and vaguely comical deathtraps. If not... just some kind of telekinetic atomising...

[kodster]

ATTTWI 2 - Resurrection

Well, Im bored.

Timothy James Sillery vs. Lord DoomForAll

House fighters are Auguel and Ancalagon.

There is nothing. The space that fills the rather whitish area is utterly forsaken...or is it...black lines, apparently conceived of ink, spread across the nothingness, forming frames. Into the suddenly realistic frames stumbles a teenager. He appears to be giggling to himself, for what reason is unknown. He strides ahead, and is mauled by a grizzly bear out of nowhere. However, he gets up, his jugular ripped open and sporting several gashes along his body, yet he seems to disregard this completely and continues walking. How a human being can walk about lightly with their throat mangled is beyond anyone, but we can save that for later as a group of Mexicans arrive on the spot with tambourines and saxophones, and start to play songs by Atomic Kitten, while the singer has a voice similar to that of Pippi Longstocking. Timothy however just walks by this, although his ears explode off his head, yet uncaring is this fool as he saunters past. An apple hits him in the head, yet on he goes. Thus a series of encounters occur, in order: three blind mice, Ringwraiths, Dick Cheney, a red 1988 Honda S800 with pink stripes, a narwhal/muskrat hybrid, a floating Chinese checkers board, a statue of Edward Fleming, and finally the house fighters appear, at which point Timothy resembles little more than a large mound of bloodied paste standing on bones. Auguel brings his fists down on the mound, crushing the bones that were once legs in powder, and Ancalagon emits a sorcerous blast of green fire from his maw, incinerating the pathetic excuse for a homo sapien in one fell breath.

Lord DoomForAll yawns, stares at the piece of parchment that he had used as a drawing board for one of his elaborate plans, yet only Timothy James Sillery would fall into such a predicament, as just witnessed: Professor Vengeance would never be even bemused by such drivel. He scrunches the piece of parchment up and throws it into one of the rift orbs he controls, which in turn turns the parchment into a paper monster intent on destroying infinite amounts of life forms...DoomForAll doesnt care, he can take care of that trifle in his spare time.

Lord DoomForAll advances to Round 2!

[kodster]

ATTTWI 2 - Resurrection

Right...Ive NO idea how to write the next battle...

...so Joey is going to be doing it for me. I hope he has a weirder idea of how Prof. Vengeance fights Hell, because Ive no idea, sigh...

I think Im losing my touch. :sad: Oh whatever. :P

[joey_picus]

ATTTWI 2 - Resurrection

You think Kodys recent battles were bad, you havent seen nothin yet.

PROFESSOR VENGEANCE vs. HELL

The house fighters should be Asterix and Starfire, but apparently Starfire was caught in a giant trap that slowly subjects her to every single shock image ever unleashed on the net. Asterix was last seen rushing excitedly to the site of said trap with several of the other house fighters, with Taki brandishing a ninja videocamerataku and shouting an ominous battlecry that resembled This is going straight to Youtube!

Somewhere inside the Arctic Circle in a dark place as yet untouched and unseen by humanity, a group of squirrels attempting to penetrate the icy ground with their claws suddenly froze and scattered as footsteps began to echo off the cliff face towering above them, barely dulled by the mass of skeletal wooden monoliths separating their sound from their source, deep inside what was once a lush, fertile forest. Steve McGregor exhaled sharply and pulled his scarf further around his neck, the chill of the air beginning to bite down through his skin and make him wish he had never agreed to come here in the first place.
Here, he thought to himself, here is where I chose to meet with the forces of evil? His reasoning had been that in a fairly isolated area like this if anything did result from this negotiation nobody would suspect anything, and also that the alternative he had been offered would have meant braving Wolverhampton town centre on a Saturday night while the clubs were kicking everyone out. The comfort this reasoning brought him did little to allay his apprehension as he continued walking in between the great rotten spires that seemed poised to collapse and bring the entire damned forest down on top of him. Blotting that thought out of his mind he began to listen to the sound of his own footsteps, picking rhythms out of them as they fell and lightly crunched the dead, permafrosted ground beneath his heavy boots.
Crunch, crunch, CRUNCH, crunch, crunch crunch, CRUNCH, crunch, ...
Suddenly, there was silence. The place where the most germane sounds cannot be discerned had arrived, just as he had been told it would. Steve pulled the hood from his head, bowed it, and announced in the most authoritative voice he could muster while suffering from what felt like the worst cold in the entire world, I have arrived.

After a pause, his field of vision began to decrease dramatically as an ethereal sound filled his mind, seemingly from a source within his head rather than anything external. He tried to open his eyes further to see but was met with an almost reactionary darkening, blocking his view entirely. Letting out a small cry from being rendered deaf, blind, and cold, he was answered when all suddenly became clear again, the sound abruptly ceasing to register and the endless white and grey of the landscape returning to his eyes, although punctuated sharply by one thing - the contrasting sight of the indescribable Ruler Of All Hell, Satan.

I see you have arrived unprotected and unarmed, Professor, as I requested. Your out of character humility impresses me an echoing, sinister voice emanated from the beings vicinity.
...yes, Satan. What is it that you seek from me? Steve replied, trying his best to avoid showing any sort of fear or dread.
...huh?
What do you wish to negotiate?
Negrotty...negotiamat...megotiate. Trade. Ah. The tone that the creature emanated was now lacking in a lot of its reverb and malice. Well, I thought the general arrangement was that I let you live and have some rule over parts of Scotland, in exchange for you allowing me an outlet to posess and take over the entire world, vanquishing God, the United Nations, and the entire cast of Misfile all at once

...yeah, its kinda like that I think. Steve brightened up at the prospect of controlling most of Scotland, as the seedlings of ideas for what do do with this power, first sown several months ago when all this began, returned to bear fruit into his mind.
Good, good. Its bloody cold here, so I think waiting to begin this process is without point. Shall we?
It is, rather, Satan. I say we begin now.
Very well, then. Dramatic voice time again...humanity, you shall regret the day you ever sought to defy the teachings of Satan. For now, I shall be your God, and you shall call me...your master...CRY HAVOC, AND LET LOOSE THE FERRETS OF WAR!
Steve stifled a giggle. ...ferrets of war? Seriously, Satan, are they going to inspire fear in the populace?
They...uh...they should have some effect. If nothing else, theyll be laughing too much to notice that their throats are being ripped out
...laughing? Its more lame than anything else. Ferrets are boring and non-threatening. Sheep are funnier
When was the last time you saw a carnivorous sheep? Satan retorted. Besides, ferrets are funny. Take their name for instance. Its an inherently funny word. Say it a few times. Ferret. Ferret. Ferret ferret ferret ferret ferret ferret ferret
Hmm. Touche. Let these ferrets of loose wreck the world then!
Indeed, Professor...

The destruction of the world begun, Steve was granted the use of a passage though Hell itself to return to his abode and prepare for a new career as Professor Vengeance, Ruler Of Whats Left Of Scotland. Remembering the tournament while there, and in a spectacular piece of salvage work by the writer who clearly was going to take ages to draw this battle to its intended conclusion otherwise, he switched the signs on the maintenance panels in hell of Evil Throne Room Unlock and Thermostat. Therefore, when Satan returned to prepare for the worlds doom, he opened the wrong one and promptly succeeded in making Hell freeze over, eliciting the loudest usage of the word BOLLOCKS! in the history of the entire universe.

Since a frozen Hell is pretty much useless, PROFESSOR VENGEANCE GOES THROUGH TO ROUND 2!

[kodster]

ATTTWI 2 - Resurrection

[insert absurdly massive amounts of ROFL here]

Ah, brilliant stuff, my lackey (jk ), now move aside, I have some battles of my own to write. XD

[kodster]

ATTTWI 2 - Resurrection

Thomas the YouTube Engine vs. ¿

House fighters are...every single one of them?

Right. Now to the fight. Thomas the YouTube Engine puffs along the train tracks of the video site, unfortunately the site acts up every so often and so Thomas finds himself in a traffic jam, which is interesting seeing as trains dont even get caught in jams, in fact they hardly ever do. Meanwhile, the house fighters are trying to find this thing called ¿ because it cannot be found and it is very late coming for the match. Suddenly, Thomas manages to find a fuse that disconnects everybody from YouTube in his back compartment. Apparently the computerized goat had it. The traffic jam clears and Thomas bursts through YouTube like Andrew Jackson on cider, and although were not exactly sure of the rate on that, its definitely faster than YouTubes usual rate, as Thomas has finished searching about 85% of the entire site already. Unfortunately, as he finishes checking, he realizes that the ¿ is absolutely nowhere to be found on YouTube, which puzzles him. As it seems, the ¿ is currently on Wikipedia, checking out the Punctuation Monthly magazine for them hot exclamation marks. Since neither fighter can fight in each others domain, the match is declared a draw...or it would have, if the fuse had not blown out the Wikipedia servers as well, and the ¿ wails as its description page and source of life get erased from history.

Thomas the YouTube Engine advances to Round 2!

----

Solaria Crystalwing & Nightwing vs. Mark Elam

House fighters are Starfire & Taki.

The girl and cat duo prowl onto the scene enthusiastically, as the being known as Mark Elam swaggers forth. He appears to be trying to look cool with his sunglasses and trenchcoat but the motion picture effects group appears to be on strike revealing a skinny lad wearing a kilt. Everybody laughs (after being cued the sign laugh amongst the crowd) and the match begins. Solaria strikes forward, as Mark Elam holds up a shield made of cyrillium but since cyrillium is crap material Solaria swipes through it as if it were a pile of feathers, and Mark Elam gets sent back a few feet. Nightwing attacks now with a slash to the face, but Mark Elam counters with a 4-tracked axlebot; unfortunately, its movement is severely hindered by a combination of physics, and the fact that some git poured some battery acid onto its receiver before the fight, so it explodes. It does however take Nightwing with it and the faithful beast of Solaria incinerates in the resulting explosion. Solaria wails, she hates it when that happens, and has to barter with the aforementioned Satan who was last seen two battles ago to release Nightwings soul from Hell, but now since Satan is frozen, this makes matters even worse. Solaria takes out a very malicious-looking red wand and advances upon the laughing person that is Mark Elam, he thinks most highly of himself now that he thinks hes won. But he hasnt, not yet. With a feral scream Solaria ejects a massive crimson beam out of the tip of the wand and it hits Mark Elam directly in the face. The said face immediately falls into an expression of utmost horror: Solaria has changed right before his eyes into Frank Boyle from Mock The Week, only his voice has hit a horrible falsetto, making him sound like a kindergartner whos inhaled helium. Of course, its all in Mark Elams head because Solarias attack was that of the hallucinogenic kind, and now Solaria channels light from the blood-red sun sinking in the sky, and just as the words of a heliumed Frank Boyle break into Mark Elams brain cavity, Solaria unloads an even larger beam, this time bright red, from her palms, which bloodily pastes Mark Elams body across the battlefield instantly. Unfortunately theres no coming back for Nightwing, his souls been frozen in Hell and who knows how long its going to take Hell to melt all that ice...

Solaria Crystalwing advances to Round 2!

[kodster]

ATTTWI 2 - Resurrection

You know what, this whole things been too much. Again. Writers block did indeed strike once more and I kinda felt this tournament was a chore from the very beginning. Sorry, but this is cancelled. No hypo, no results, no kidding. Also the mini-ATTTWI Extreme on ZED is cancelled, and there will be no more ATTTWIs from me. I will let Alex Holt (and Joey McConnell) field the weirdness from now on.

Although...Joey, if YOU want to make up fights since you kinda said you would, you may, but Im not. For me it is cancelled. If nobody wants to, I ask Leo to lock this as I wouldnt want anybody posting in here. Lock. Lock. LOCK. PLEASE.

Sorry about this everybody.