The Election Returns

[kodster]

I found the original thread, and I was howling with laughter for hours upon hours. And since it was so funny, and I wasnt there, Ive decided to revamp it (with co-operation from Alex Holt and Steven McGregor).

Same stuff from the original election thread. If you dont want to scroll down, here it is in link format:

http://www.fightingrobots.co.uk/discus/messages/760/4358.html?1115408319http://www.fightingrobots.co.uk/disc...tml?1115408319

In Alexs words:

create your own political parties and each party must have at least five policies.

You dont have to be sensible as real politicians make stuff up all the time, and are probably much less interesting.

Well then stage a vote somewhere, but I really cant be bothered to plan that far ahead. We really need at least three parties. If several people want to stand for the same party thats fine.

Ill wait for others to start before making my own.

[alex_holt]

The Election Returns

Well, I suspect I need to update my polcies:

I give you
The Party formerly as the Bow down before Me Pitiful Mortals Party

this has now been renamed as the We Crush Puny Mortal Opposition Voters Beneath Our Booted Heels Party

Note its no more inclusive - Me has been replaced with we - You cant spell We Crush Puny Mortal Opposition voters Beneath Our Booted Heels Party without a we

It shall also be known as: WCPMOPVBOBH or, affectionatly as the mortal crushing party

Old Policies

* The aardvark will replace the lion as the antional animal
* Bring back corporal punishemnt - legalise cattle prods for use in education.
* Everything is done at my whim, no beaurocracy
* Money will will be replaced usign an elaborate system involving live pigeons and WHSmtihs vouchers
* People can be tried for being morons (as in actign like twerps when they are perfectly capable of not doign so) and if they are found guilty they can be extradited to antarctica. With no protective clothing.
* An end to stupidly over the top political correctness - any one who complains about anythign like black coffee, the holy ghost or brainstorming will be thrown to the sharks at my discretion.

New Policies

* The following will be ended - crime, age, disease, war, hunger and crime. Death will mostly be unavailable except at personal request.
* Free super-powers for all if you pass our responsibility test - bear in mind that I wrote this test so pretty much all the great minds gathered here are already eligible.
* A 200% increase in zombies, ninjas, apes, robots, dinosaurs and pirates.
* A new cosmic empire to be completed by 2013
* All reality television shows will feature 100% more culling of the idiots who enter.
* A free magic quiche for all people who vote.
* More real life set piece moments - more cool dramatic moments - in REAL LIFE!
* Robot Wars shall not only be back on TV - but it shall have its own channel which gives out grants to competitors who are short of funds.

MORE POLICIES SOON

[dinowarrior]

The Election Returns

Ladies, Gentlemen and Homaphrodites, I give you....

PARTY DINOWARRIOR

Here in Party Dinowarrior, we have a number of policies I think you will find most reasonable...

UNDER MY POLICY...
*Robot Wars will be bought back on air, with additional spin-offs, including a cartoon featuring the House Robots.
*Prison sentences will be mad tougher; found guilty of a crime, you will be prisoned for life, tortured every month and not be allowed any sprinkly things on your ice cream sundaes.
*Greenish-Purple will officially be made a colour.
*George W Bush will be replaced with a Chimpanzee. We should get more sense out of him.
*Idiots will be arrested and given life inprisonment automatically.
*The domestic cat will be worshipped as a god.
*Instead of being prosicuted, people trespassing on privately owned land will be spanked instead.
*Cuckoo clocks will be banned. Any house found holding one will suffer demolition.
*Crash Bandicoot will be made a reality.
*It will be against the law for a school or college lesson to be boring.
*People who abuse animals will be shot.
*Animal rights activists who rant on and on about how bad all zoos are will also be shot.
*Survivors will be shot again.
*The return of the Unneccessary censorship.

So, you know who to vote for.

[kodster]

The Election Returns

Well, time for you all to behold my wickedness:

Presenting...

The PARTI (Politics Are Really Too Insignificant) party

Fear my policies!

A 25,000p prize for the first million to vote for the PARTI party.
All current political leaders will automatically kill themselves and their replacements will be, well, you decide (except me)
There will be world peace - except for when I want to throw a rave.
Anytime anyone wants to debate about something, they must party for about 15 minutes.
Spongebob Squarepants and fans of him will be eaten by rabid grizzly bears from the Northwest Territories, because I hate him.
Vapourbots will be made real, and serve only you.
Anybody who votes for us will get security guards. They can be Cybermen, kick-ass warrior chicks, or Balrogs (if you are one of the first 10,000 to vote, you can also choose from dragons, demi-gods, and anti-matter). If you dont want a security guard then that can be arranged.
Robot Wars will be scheduled 24/7 on a seperate channel dedicated solely to the show, and everybody who votes for us will get free access to all the past episodes. Not only that, but you can bring your vapourbots to compete.
Anybody cruel to animals, innocent people, or you, will be imploded instantly
Anybody carrying a weapon of any kind will not be imploded yet, but will be questioned, and if they try to attack, which will completely fail, then they get imploded.
All people who join us will get free teleportation powers, and can travel anywhere they want.
A lifetime supply of your favourite food, snack, or fetish.
You must party three times a day, after breakfast, after luncheon, and after dinner, otherwise you will be imploded.
October 12 will be hereby named Parti Day.

So if you have any common-sense, youll vote for the PARTI party! Because we dont give a bark about politics, just partying!

----This has been a slightly amusing and extremely threatening broadcast from the PARTI party----

[RogueTwoRobots]

The Election Returns

---The following is a complete-waste-of-precious-tv-time-that-could-otherwise-be-dedicated-to-much-mor e-better-stuff party unpolitical broadcast by the Happy Crappy Smarty Party.---

Yes, thats right! The Happy Crappy Smarty Party returns to run for this election with a fresh approach aimed at protecting the world from the evil Rita Repulsa and her army of warbling putty monst...errs..err...sorry, got a bit carried away there (too much Youtube nostalgia )

Back to the election in hand - the Happy Crappy Smarty Party manifesto from 2005 is detailed below and (despite not being elected) the following was achieved:

As the leader of The Happy Crappy Smarty Party, I promise the following:

*Magmotors and Astroflight motors free for all

The aim of this policy was to let everyone compete on a fair and equal footing in featherweight combat. Never happened, but spinners did get banned from unsuitable arenas, resulting in everyone competing on a fair and equal footing. 1-0 to the HCSP!

*Neds/chavs/little-sh**s-who-think-theyre-tough all completely obliterated by Mr Psychos hammer.

Numbers of neds/chavs/little-sh**s-who-think-theyre-tough on the rise, Mr Psycho cut from TV

Err, moving swiftly on...

*A Microsoft-free computer community for all who hate Bill Gates.

What do you mean Theyre bringing out Vista???!!!

*Restrictions on the use of pathetic puns on community forums (I believe the leader of The Boring Party is a major offender of this crime )

I havent seen a pathetic pun in a long time - 2-0 to the HCSP!

*To speak the truth at all times and send political correctness to a place where the sun dont shine!

*Lets not tell them my lies were responsible for the frazzled lie detector currently lying in a skip somewhere*

*A complimentary haggis and kilt for anyone who supports The Happy Crappy Smarty Party

Haggis and kilt distribution increase of 1000000%



So as you see, a very successful time not in charge for the HCSP. But with 2007 comes new objectives - behold the following!!

2007 Manifesto

Be Happy
Be Crappy
Be Smarty
Have a Party!

(Yeah its 3.30am and I cant be arsed to come up with a decent manifesto )

So, with absolutely no just cause, vote for the Happy Crappy Smarty Party

---End Transmission---

[knightrous]

The Election Returns

Vote #1, Me.

[kodster]

The Election Returns

*IMPLOSION*

Oh sorry, didnt see you there, Aaron.

Vote for us and youll get to steal quotes!

...and name them yours legally.

[psychostorm]

The Election Returns

This is an unauthorised broadcast by the Collective party

We are the Collective party. We believe in the union of minds. We believe in all working towards a common goal. We will not stop until we achieve perfection.

Here are our Policies:
. Cybernetics available on the NHS.
. Network access 24/7
. Intense Education Curriculum
. Abolish Taxes.
. Revitalise the Mining Industries
. Immediate Destruction of all 1950’s Police call boxes
. Outlawing and Destruction of the Spacecrafts named Enterprise or Voyager

New policies:
. Compulsory upgrading of the species
. Deletion of criminal minds from the collective

We wish that all the people of Britain share their brilliance with similar minded people. You will vote for the Collective. Resistance is Futile...

[dinowarrior]

The Election Returns

Vote for Party Dinowarrior....err...or Ill kill you.

[martyn]

The Election Returns

Chris if *Idiots will be arrested and given life inprisonment automatically. is one of your policys and you are elected how do you plan on controling from prision?

[kodster]

The Election Returns

LOL! Go Martyn!

[dinowarrior]

The Election Returns

I mean proper idiots, like those who actively fill Wikipedia with false information, or post certain sites on forums. Contary to popular opinion, I am not an idiot.

[matty_haka]

The Election Returns

Idiotis such a nasty word I prefer... intelectually challenged

[tacoman]

The Election Returns

The Official Fascist Opression Party

Policies:
Those who are not the Most Supreme and Excellent Race will be imprisoned in our top secret Pocket Dimension Prisons. However, we at OFOP are not politically incorrect, and thus, the Most Supreme and Excellent Race will change each month.
Any and all dissenters will be test subjects for Project MINDSLAVE.
We believe in the progression of the space program. We have already travelled to Mars, hollowed it out, and used the space to build a Superlaser. If we are not elected, we will use it.
If you have ever been injected for anything, we are in your mind.
Any and all criminals currently in jail will be recruited for Project SUPERSOLDIER and the Opression Force. Any and all criminals arrested while we are in power will have their organs harvested for classified projects and released back into society with an (currently) inactive Mindslave chip.

[pcbore]

The Election Returns

quote:

*Restrictions on the use of pathetic puns on community forums (I believe the leader of The Boring Party is a major offender of this crime )

I havent seen a pathetic pun in a long time - 2-0 to the HCSP!

To be fair, I just havent been posting that much

The Boring Party manifesto

1 - First to tackle popular themes, such as having a green policy. I find the mis-information regarding green policies disturbing. Everyone knows if someone is green, they are ill. I say NO to politicians who make it a policy to make people ill! Therefore my first policy is a natural colour policy, where people are allowed to go around being whatever colour they damn well please.

2 - I understand my learned friend Mr. Forsythe intends to make a policy in which he points out the flaws in everyones policies. Therefore, under my Make Martyn Redundant policy, all flaws will be banned.

3 - I find my learned friends Mr. Holt and Mr. Masons policy on idiots rather lacking in foresight. Rather than make being an idiot a criminal offense, I propse an Idiot tax. Everyone knows there are enough idiots out there to make this tax extremely profitable, allowing me to cut other taxes acorss the board. But of course, you dont need to worry as you are not an idiot:wink:

4 - My Decent telley policy is, I believe, one which should prove popular. Basically, all those programs that no-one ever cared about, or which ceased to be relevant years ago will be canned, in order to make room for more programmes people actually want to watch. Like Robot Wars. The presenters will of course be allowed their freedom. Afterall, the idiot tax coffers will need filling up from time to time...

5 - The Im not vindictive. Honest policy regards railway bridges in communal areas. These will be relocated to where they cannot kep aspiring world leaders awake via thudering freight trains every half an hour. Any council caught trying to place a railway bridge in a populated zone will be dealt with.

6 - In the interests of public safety, all burberry items of clothing will be confiscated and banned from shops. With no clothes left, the chavs will not be able to venture outside, effectively placing them under indefinate house arrest at no extra cost to the government.

This has been a party election broadcast from the Boring Party.