Randomness

[team_orr]

Randomness

his main opponent being dead metal LOL

just trying to imagion them in suits talking about anti-social behavior

jack

[malivoirec]

Randomness

Well Mr. Bash, what is your economic policy. I like to see what he thinks he should do next with the war in Iraq and the Olympics, let alone the Eurovision Song Contest.

[craig_anto]

Randomness

Id say elect Mr Pshyco to president but the FRA already did,

[kodster]

Randomness

Sgt. Bash, w00000

[geoff]

Randomness

A few observations on engineers... Enjoy!

Real Engineers consider themselves well dressed if their socks match. Real Engineers buy their spouses a set of matched screwdrivers for their birthday.
Real engineers have a non-technical vocabulary of 800 words.
Real Engineers repair their own cameras, telephones, televisions, watches, and automatic transmissions.
Real Engineers say Its 70 degrees Fahrenheit, 25 degrees Celsius, and 298 Kelvin and all you say is Isnt it a nice day?
Real Engineers wear badges so they dont forget who they are. Sometimes a note is attached saying Dont offer me a ride today. I drove my own car.
Real Engineers politics run towards acquiring a parking space with their name on it and an office with a window.
Real Engineers know the ABCs of Infrared from A to B.
Real Engineers know how to take the cover off of their computer, and are not afraid to do it.
Real Engineers briefcases contain a Phillips screwdriver, a copy of
Quantum Physics, and a half of a peanut butter sandwich.
Real Engineers dont find the above at all funny.




The Dictionary: what engineers say and what they mean by it:


Major Technological Breakthrough

Back to the drawing board.

Developed after years of intensive research

It was discovered by accident.

The designs are well within allowable limits

We just made it, stretching a point or two.

Test results were extremely gratifying

It works, and are we surprised!

Customer satisfaction is believed assured

We are so far behind schedule that the customer was happy to get anything at all.

Close project coordination

We should have asked someone else; or, lets spread the responsibility for this.

Project slightly behind original schedule due to unforeseen difficulties

We are working on something else.

The design will be finalized in the next reporting period

We havent started this job yet, but weve got to say something.

A number of different approaches are being tried

We dont know where were going, but were moving.

Extensive effort is being applied on a fresh approach to the problem

We just hired three new guys; well let them kick it around for a while.

Preliminary operational tests are inconclusive

The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.

The entire concept will have to be abandoned

The only guy who understood the thing quit.

Modifications are underway to correct certain minor difficulties

We threw the whole thing out and are starting from scratch.

Essentially complete.

Half done.

We predict...

We hope to God!

Drawing release is lagging.

Not a single drawing exists.

Risk is high, but acceptable.

100 to 1 odds, or with 10 times the budget and 10 times the manpower, we may have a 50/50 chance.

Serious, but not insurmountable, problems.

It will take a miracle. God should be the program manager.

Not well defined.

Nobody has thought about it.

Requires further analysis and management attention.

Totally out of control.

The project is designed for high availability.

Malfunctions will be blamed on the operators mistakes.

This project has low maintenance requirements.

We wouldnt let the technicians change a light bulb, much less fool around with our baby.

The software is being developed without excessive process overhead.

The documentation will be written in clear and lucid Chinese.

The delivery is scheduled for the last quarter of next year.

This leaves us plenty of time to decide who to blame for it being late.




Engineering Revisited

Any circuit design must contain at least one part which is obsolete, two parts which are unobtainable and three parts which are still under
development.

Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.

A failure will not appear till a unit has passed final inspection.

If you cant fix it -- document it.

The primary function of the design engineer is to make things difficult for the fabricator and impossible for the serviceman.




You Might Be an Engineer if...


your favorite James Bond character is Q.

you see a good design and still have to change it.

you still own a slide rule and you know how to use it.

your family havent the foggiest idea what you do at work.

in college you thought Spring Break was metal fatigue failure.

you have modified your can-opener to be microprocessor driven.

you are better with a Karnaugh map than you are with a street map.

you think the real heroes of Apollo 13 were the mission controllers.

you take a cruise so you can go on a personal tour of the engine room.

you think cuddling is simply an unproductive application of heat exchange

you have owned a calculator with no equal key and know what RPN stands for.

you make four sets of drawings (with seven revisions) before making a bird bath.

you have trouble writing anything unless the paper has horizontal and
vertical lines.

your ideal evening consists of fast-forwarding through the latest
sci-fi movie looking for technical inaccuracies.

you think the value of a book is directly proportionate to the amount of tables, charts and graphs it contains.




----------------------------------------------------------------------------
----

How many first year engineering students does it take to change a light
bulb?
None. Thats a second year subject.

How many second year engineering students does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but the rest of the class copies the report.

How many third year engineering students does it take to change a light
bulb?
Will this question be in the final examination?

How many civil engineers does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to do it and one to steady the chandelier.

How many electrical engineers does it take to change a light bulb? None. They simply redefine darkness as the industry standard.

How many computer engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
Why bother? The socket will be obsolete in six months anyway.

How many mechanical engineers does it take to change a light bulb? Five. One to decide which way the bulb ought to turn, one to calculate the force required, one to design a tool with which to turn the bulb, one to design a comfortable - but functional - hand grip, and one to use all this equipment.

How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb? Seven. One to install the new bulb and six to figure out what to do with the
old one for the next 10,000 years.


Good choice:



Overcapacity:

To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.




In the dark:

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a
particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, Whats with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!

The doctor chimed in, I dont know, but Ive never seen such ineptitude.

The pastor said, Hey, here comes the greens-keeper. Lets have a word with him.

[dramatic pause]

Hi George. Say, whats with that group ahead of us?! Theyre rather slow, arent they?

The greens-keeper replied, Oh, yes, thats a group of blind firefighters.
They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we
always let them play for free anytime.

The group was silent for a moment.

The pastor said, Thats so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.

The doctor said, Good idea. And Im going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if theres anything he can do for them.

The engineer said, Why cant these guys play at night?



The Right Place:

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things
mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired.

Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly
impossible problem they were having with one of their multimillion dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past.

The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small x in chalk on a particular component of the machine and stated, This is where your problem is.

The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again.

The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges.

The engineer responded briefly:

One chalk mark $1
Knowing where to put it $49,999

It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.




What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?

Mechanical Engineers build weapons,
Civil Engineers build targets.




Such a waste:

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.

One said, It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints.

Another said, No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections.

The last said, Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?




Fix it:

Normal people .... believe that if it aint broke, dont fix it.

Engineers believe that if it aint broke, it doesnt have enough features yet.



Lab coat:

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was
better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.

The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid
foundation for an enduring relationship.

The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.

The engineer said, I like both.

Both?

Engineer: Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done.




Cool:

An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called up to him and said, If you kiss me, Ill turn into a beautiful princess.

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week.

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, Ill stay with you and do ANYTHING you want. Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, What is the matter? Ive told you Im a beautiful princess, that Ill stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why wont you kiss me?

The engineer said, Look Im an engineer. I dont have time for a
girlfriend, but a talking frog, now thats cool.


What you will learn in Engineering:

You can study hard and still fail
You can not study and pass
Multiple choice does not mean easy
There are no trains here
Six exams can be written in 4 days, but it hurts
You can skip all the classes, study for 15 minutes before the final and
still do better than an arts student in any arts class
Pi to six decimal places
Judging by my fellow students, engineers are either drunks or geeks Everyone is someone elses weirdo Front Row people are weird Those who can, do, those who cant, teach A 95.75% can be an A An 80.1% can be an A+ You can kill your neighbors with a 9 volt battery





Engineer in Hell:

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his
Dossier and says, Ah, youre an engineer -- youre in the wrong place.

So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, theyve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, So,
hows it going down there in hell? Satan replies, Hey, things are going great. Weve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and theres no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.

God replies, What??? Youve got an engineer? Thats a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here. Satan says, No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and Im keeping him. God says, Send him back up here or Ill sue.

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?





Public execution:

Scene: public executions by guillotine

Three condemned people are to be executed via the guillotine...

First condemned person steps up, a minister. Switch is pulled. Blade doesnt come down. Minister cries out: God knows I am innocent! Hes pardoned.

Second condemned person is a revolutionary agitator. Switch is pulled. Blade doesnt come down. Guy cries out: The revolution cannot be stopped! Hes pardoned.

Third condemned is an engineer. Same deal. He looks up, points up, says, I think your problem is that the cable is binding right here...


Q: How do you drive an engineer completely insane?
A: Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him, and fold up a road map the
wrong way.


Q: When does a person decide to become an engineer?
A: When he realizes he doesnt have the charisma to be an undertaker.


Q: What do engineers use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.


Q: How can you tell an extroverted engineer?
A: When he talks to you, he looks at your shoes instead of his own.


Q: Why did the engineers cross the road?
A: Because they looked in the file, and thats what they did last year.


Three lawyers and three engineers are traveling by train to a conference. At

the station, the three lawyers each buy tickets and watch as the three
engineers buy only a single ticket.

How are three people going to travel on only one ticket? asked one of the
three lawyers.

Watch and youll see, answers one of the engineers.

They all board the train. The lawyers take their respective seats but all
three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly

after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets.

He knocks on the restroom door and says, Ticket, please.

The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand.
The conductor takes it and moves on.

The lawyers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the
conference, the lawyers decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and
save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for
the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers dont buy a ticket at
all.

How are you going to travel without a ticket, asks one perplexed lawyer.

Watch and youll see, says one of the engineers.

When they board the train the three lawyers cram into a restroom and the
three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs.

Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over
to the restroom where the lawyers are hiding. He knocks on the door and
says, Ticket, please.


There are three engineers in a car: an electrical engineer, a chemical
engineer and a Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car just stops by the side
of the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering what could

be wrong.

The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car
and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred.

The chemical engineer, not knowing much about cars, suggests that maybe the
fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere.

Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with

a suggestion, Why dont we close all the windows, get out, get back in,
open the windows again, and maybe itll work?



Comprehending Engineers-Take Four
The graduate with a Science degree asks, Why does it work?
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, How does it work?
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, How much will it cost?
The graduate with an Arts degree asks, Do you want fries with that?

[leorcc]

Randomness

quote:

To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.I happen to be the proud owner of this: http://www.despair.com/pessimistsmug.htmlhttp://www.despair.com/pessimistsmug.html

[babeth]

Randomness

Im so proud of myself... It took me only 8 months to gather up the courage and install the new DVD-burner in my computer... and then went and did it in 5 minutes.

[geoff]

Randomness

Particle physics for the rap generation.. Somthing a bit diferent

http://video.yahoo.com/network/100743807?v=3265004&l=100000248http://video.yahoo.com/network/10074...04&l=100000248

[leorcc]

Randomness

Geoff, dont post that here, they might catch on to our evil plans!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lt1Yo610lG0http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lt1Yo610lG0

PS, for a good explanation of the LHC:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fPxYdObyJ2Ahttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fPxYdObyJ2A

[geoff]

Randomness

Leo,
The guy in that first link is in serious need of professional help!!
(or being locked up in a room with rubber wallpaper!!)

[leorcc]

Randomness

Well people like him do not let something as silly as the real world come in the way of their beliefs. We call them reality-challenged.

[geoff]

Randomness

reality-challenged Too PC for me leo, more like total fruitloop comes to mind!!

[geoff]

Randomness

Leo, have you checked out any more of that guy on youtube? I take it back, hes not a total fruitloop... He is compleatly and certifiably insane, in fact I would go as far as to say in the right circumstances he could actualy be dangerous. (or he is one hell of an actor)

[leorcc]

Randomness

Yes, and the scary thing is he was given access to Holland at one time since he asked questions in Amsterdam about Flying saucers and alien overlords. And those are the nice videos. His rantings against evolution are even worse.

He is one sick puppy.

[babeth]

Randomness

Youre insulting the puppies Leo. Puppies actually do have some sense of sanity. Everyone who has ever seen a puppy making a wide detour around the local tomcat knows this.